You Don't Know Me.

Not like it hasn't been obvious in the last couple of days and if you really know me the last year or so but I figure that if something needs to get better there should be light shed on it.

I'm suicidal. And if you are one of the people who are going to judge me for it then you don't know me at all. So here it is.

When I was 3-4 I was sexually abused at a babysitters house. It made me feel very different from other kids and made me feel like I don't belong here on this planet, I felt like an alien. Around that time I realized that my parents didn't love each other and that I was a "mistake" this added to my feeling or not being wanted or feeling out of place. When I was 6 we moved to Tennessee and between 2nd and 3rd grade I was in 7 different classes. I didn't mind this much except it made things hard when it came to being social. When we moved to Florida things started to settle down. Until my dads pornography issues started to affect our family, I remember being 9 years old and begging my parents to stay together for the sake of my baby brother who was just a few months old. I remember being on the family computer and being sent porn from one of my dad's friends and him telling me not to look at it. I was 9 of course I looked at it. All through middle school I tried to stay to myself and my close group of friends while on the inside I knew that the only reason my family was still together was because I begged and pleated and cried for my parents to stay together. It ate away at me because I wanted us to be happy.  Through the years my dad lost jobs because of sexual harassment accusations from different woman. About a month after I turned 15 I came home from volunteering at scout camp and my dad was bringing boxes to his car. I walked over to him and saw that he was crying, all I could manage to say through the tears was "You did it again didn't you?"  I don't even remember what he said. Or if he said anything at all. That night I stayed the night at my life long friend Brittany's house. We didn't talk about it. We made a scrapbook and talked about boys. That was the night that I learned I could escape pain by focusing on other things. My 10th grade year was my favorite because I put off everything that was going on at home and I had fun. Me and Erika and Ramon and Greg. We had fun and even though I was dying inside I covered it up really well. That was also the year my love of music grew to extreme amounts. I didn't have to say how I felt because the music did it for me. High school went on that way, I worked and tried to keep my grades atleast at a normal level. When I graduated I moved to Utah for school and that was the first time my depression got really bad, I slept for days on end. It seemed like the bad news never ended. My mom lost her job. My dad hit my mom with my car. My sister was being bullied.  And for the first time in my life I wasn't there to help out.

I had been able to keep things afloat when I moved back home for a few months, even after I moved back and my best friend at the time was lying to everyone and making things really sucky it was ok. It wasn't until last year that things got really bad. People I was friends with and trusted did nothing when my name was being slandered.  The person I was in love with broke me down in every way possible and then when I tried to walk away I was asked to help him deal with things that I swore to myself I would never let in my life again. After months of back and forth it ended and I felt completely  drained, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was in and out of the hospital for leg issues. I had panic attacks everyday and in January I tried to kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! Because Everything I had been afraid of my whole life was true. I wasn't pretty, smart, spiritual, strong, I tried to keep things together once again this time with my own relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I felt like I didn't belong on the planet. So I tried to leave.

Over the past few months it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes it flairs up though. Like last night.

So there it is. Judge me if you want. It won't be anything new, and trust me nothing at this point can make me feel worse about myself then I already do.  I'm writing this not for attention but because I think shedding light on things make them easier sometimes.  And in the words of Nada Surf "It helps to write it down, even of you then cross it out."

Dear Agony (My letter to you.)

Dear You,
 I am a shell of the person I once was. I try to be everything people need. I dress differently, think differently . I am so concerned about what people think of me. I tell everyone not to even bring you up to me. To pretend that you never existed. It doesn't work because you exist in my mind. Telling me everything that is wrong with me.
You exist when other boys are around and they say I'm beautiful, they will take it back just like you did.

Because to me you are still beautiful. You still make me smile, even in just the memories. You are the standard. I miss you so much it hurts. Even when it goes away for a long time it creeps back in my mind.

I did a lot of wrong things, but I still swear that I never lied. And I want you to be happy, I need me to be happy too. I missed the Big A$$ Show this year and the Blink 182 concert because I was on a date with another boy. Who happens to be fantastic by the way. I wish I could give him my heart. But I never got it back.

If you ever read this you'll probably laugh at it. Show your friends, even family. And that's fine. I just need to get my thoughts out to someone.

Sincerely, Me

P.s. Don't Settle

I Miss You

I miss you. No one wants to hear me say it. I don't want to hear me say it. I miss you. I hate that all my fears have come true. That literally the very thing I asked not to happen is happening. I miss you. I hope they knock some sense you. I hope they tell you everything they said about me and that you change your mind. If she gets you, I will believe every again.

It's pathetic because no matter how many guys come around there is always you. Haunting me or reminding me that nothing feels as good. And no one has ever made me feel as bad. No one has ever made me feel so beautiful or ugly.


Sometimes I can't help but think about how I can make the pain go away and never feel this terrible again. It gets really tempting.

What Lies Beneath

I.
I never feel.
I never feel like I'm enough.

I research serial killers, I am not scared by death, I think suicide notes are sad, I like to know why people do what they do.

I love my dog, he literally has saved my life. I'm not going to give him up.

I dare you to make comments about where I'm living again.

I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So I will live by the standards.
I am thinking of serving a mission.

“Today many sisters are being called to serve. Many more are preparing to serve. Not because they aren't married or don't have anything else to do, but they have the desire to serve. One reason that the Lord wants more sisters to serve is because within the next generation He will send His priesthood army to the earth. He wants to send choice spirit children to mothers who have been prepared, properly trained, and taught in the gospel. What better schooling can a mother have than the experience and growth she gains through serving a mission.” --President Gordon B. Hinckley

This quote is why. I want to be a good example for my children. 

I bought my first pair of boots, actually two pair brown riding boots and black combats boots.

I'm going to be catwoman for halloween. 

Random thoughts that needed to come out.

Brink Of Disaster

This week has been little nuts. One guy tells you he doesn't like you and another tells you he does. In the same 24 hours. I went on a super good date with Ben, it was good for me.  I'm going to the wedding with Eli on Saturday.

I don't know if I can date anyone right now. I kinda feel like I've reverted back a little bit. By no means like how I was last year. I just feel really insecure about a lot of things right now. However there are like 3 guys in my ward that I think are cute. I'm not saying I'm even gonna talk to them cause let's be honest I won't, but I'm excited to know I'm not totally turned off by the thought of guys.

Also I've rekindled my love for Friends! I'm in season 3 and I believe everyone should watch this show!

Bryanna wants to move out of her parents house, and I would love to have a place of my own but like financially I couldn't do it until next semester. And I really really really don't want to move out of the ward.

I've started thinking about Vlogging I mean a lot of people read this so maybe people would like that?  We'll see.

Last night Bryanna and I had not the same dream but dreams with the same purpose? Does that mean it'll come true?

Smooth Criminal

Super silly title. I know.

I promise to never ever care about another person ever again. Everybody lies. Why is honesty such a hard issue for people to understand?

"The bad guys lie to get in your pants, the good guys lie to get into your heart."

I'm back to the mind frame of never being enough. Because you can be awesome, and pretty and attractive and smart, and spiritual and still not be enough. Should I just submit to what my grandpa thinks and end up like Amy? Look like a Barbie Doll, and change my personality to fit who I'm dating?  That seems to be the way to go.

I CAN'T change who I am. I wasn't raised in Utah, I didn't have a perfect upbringing and I'm completely jaded by that. But I want normal. I don't want to be messed up forever. 

"Perfectly Imperfect." --To you I'm not, but to anyone else that's ever met me that's the definition. I am not enough. Never have been and never will be.

So you occupy my head, while he still has my heart. What is left for me?

Nicest Thing

I learned this week that a few of my guy friends read this thing.  It's great since most of the time I'm on here talking about guys. And since guys are reading this. Lets get some advice? YES!

So we all know how retarded I am now since everything with Ryan. I will think I'm into someone for a little then realize how terrible they are and get over it. Well in my last entry I talked about Eli. I'm really freaking myself out because he isn't like that, and I'm not realizing how terrible he is in fact the more I learn about him the more I like. He's in Logan and I'm here and he's not emotionally available and I can't blame him I was for a year. And I always said when guys wanted to date me that if someone just continued to be my friend and showed they really cared a about me then it would probably happen. But all of them pushed it and I walked away, I'm trying really really hard not to do that with Eli. I know I do sometimes though. I really don't want to though. And then sometimes it's the other extreme and I don't talk to him at all, and that's what will probably happen all this week. Why can't I just be normal?? Or not care at all like before?

On a bright note Halloween is looking to turn our really great!