23

Yesterday was my 23 birthday! 23 is my favorite age to be, and let me tell you it was an amazing birthday! I spent the day at the shop then went to the Costley's and we had a party. Bryanna got me Werewolf so we got to play that!! Dianna got me these BEAUTIFUL ear rings. They have roses and pearls and they are so pretty! Mckell got me an eiffel tower key chain and so did Andrew. Also Anthony called me yesterday to tell me happy birthday!! That alone made my day, I love that kid so much! Caitlin put together an amazing party! Mom sent me 23 dollars and the funniest card. It was just so much fun seeing my friends and having a great time! It was one of my best birthdays ever! We all fell asleep at the Costley's I love this group of friends so much! More later!

Secrets.

Thoughts I've had over the past few days.

I come off to people as someone so different from who I really am. I'm popular and I have a bunch of friends and don't get me wrong I love them, but I do so much better one on one.

All of my friends would tell you I don't like to be touchy that I like my space. When people try and push those boundaries I coil up and push the person away, but somewhere in myself or in them I see something I might want to try.

Sometimes I push that feeling away and other times I give in to them. Maybe that's what happened the other night with Andrew.  Nothing turned into something. Something that I don't do. Something that I don't let happen.

But


When I do, it's like I become a different person than I normally am. I open up to the person. Not just physically but emotionally like I could tell them anything...everything about myself. And all the sudden

BAM

 they are important. They are my confidant. And that's a bad thing...Right? Because I shouldn't trust someone because they feel nice to be physical with.

sail

Adventures in Farmtown. Since being here in Farmington I've made some pretty awesome friends. We've even named ourselves. The Clique. The Clique consists of

Me
Caitlin
Bryanna
McKell
Robb
Robby
Andrew
John
Saxxon...and Eli but he hasn't really hung out with us. I hope I didn't forget anyone.

Anyway. We hang out all the time, swimming, making cake, watching sherlock, random movies. We do basically everything together. A few nights ago I ended up cuddling with Andrew, it was weird because I haven't done anything like that with anyone since Ryan. I mean it was nice Andrew is an attractive guy and super nice and stuff but i didn't have feeling for him. Actually we all know I kinda have a thing for Robb.

Now I feel like I've messed things up with some of my relationships in "The Clique". Relationships I didn't want to ever mess up. And I don't like Andrew. At least I don't think I do, and I still like Robb at least I think I do. And I definitely don't want to piss anyone off or bun any bridges.  Last night Andrew said our lives should be a t.v show. I feel like it could be.  Robb and Mckell aren't even in the country yet I wonder what'll happen when they get back.

I just don't want to be the bad guy. I want to keep my friends and not mess anything up.

Monster

Meeting Robb has made me think of Andrew a lot. He looks just like him. Same interests, music taste.

I appreciate checkered vans, and spiritual thoughts.
I appreciate big blue eyes and scruff and dress pants that hit the hips just right.

Am I allowed to say these things? Am i allowed to be so candid and open? To say that I totally fell for a missionary? hush hush. Don't be that girl. I don't won't regret it at all because I learned about me. The music I like, the clothes I like, Guns, Blink 182, Thrice, Band T's. Its who I am and I believe it was necessary.

Do you remember me back then? Confident. Care free. Punk.

How could that be bad? I need to get back to that. Even now I am afraid of offending EVERYONE. Afraid of being myself, afraid of being wrong and right. Afraid of being happy and sad.


LETS MAKE THIS LAST FOREVER.

Mr.Roboto

I got a job at an auto shop. I also know nothing about cars, but they guy says he'll train me so it's totally worth it.

On Thursday there is a pool party that I am super stoked for because I miss having water at my disposal like back home.

I also lost my phone and apparently it's no where to be found. This bugs me hardcore. I'm not used to not having a phone.

My dad told me he is worthy to have a temple recommend. It's the happiest thing anyone could probably ever say to me.  I also shared my testimony at church on Sunday, I haven' done that in a few months. I also met my visiting teaching companion and the girl that visit teaches me. They both seem like really nice girls. I can't even explain how much I love my new ward. I just need to try and meet new people, I've kinda closed myself off from people because I hang out with the same people all the time. So maybe that will be my goal for this month? Make new acquaintances? How about at the pool party I just talk to everyone? I think that is a good goal.

Here is my question. Do I want to do behavioral science and study people OR do I want to do music production and possibly open up a record label someday? I cant decide. If anyone has opinions feel free to share.