We live in an evil world. In the past 2 weeks there have been 3 shootings, and yesterday a 6th grader at the school that Bryanna works at brought a gun to school and put it to a little girls head and told her he was going to shoot her. It's like it's everyday. Crazy.
But there is also so much good happening in the world right now too. People are amazing when they see someone else in need, I'm glad to be a part of it.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Stay, Stay, Stay
I might have to give away Boston. I can't imagine my life without him at this point. He's my baby. I don't know how to train him, he's my first dog. But I feel like we are making progress. He's my angel and he literally saves my life. I'm going to talk to my roommate about giving him, and me another chance, he's my everything. Why is everything I love taken away from me? Why do I ruin everything? Can't just one thing stay? He's my angel. I hope I can keep him.
Monday, October 22, 2012
You Don't Know Me.
Not like it hasn't been obvious in the last couple of days and if you really know me the last year or so but I figure that if something needs to get better there should be light shed on it.
I'm suicidal. And if you are one of the people who are going to judge me for it then you don't know me at all. So here it is.
When I was 3-4 I was sexually abused at a babysitters house. It made me feel very different from other kids and made me feel like I don't belong here on this planet, I felt like an alien. Around that time I realized that my parents didn't love each other and that I was a "mistake" this added to my feeling or not being wanted or feeling out of place. When I was 6 we moved to Tennessee and between 2nd and 3rd grade I was in 7 different classes. I didn't mind this much except it made things hard when it came to being social. When we moved to Florida things started to settle down. Until my dads pornography issues started to affect our family, I remember being 9 years old and begging my parents to stay together for the sake of my baby brother who was just a few months old. I remember being on the family computer and being sent porn from one of my dad's friends and him telling me not to look at it. I was 9 of course I looked at it. All through middle school I tried to stay to myself and my close group of friends while on the inside I knew that the only reason my family was still together was because I begged and pleated and cried for my parents to stay together. It ate away at me because I wanted us to be happy. Through the years my dad lost jobs because of sexual harassment accusations from different woman. About a month after I turned 15 I came home from volunteering at scout camp and my dad was bringing boxes to his car. I walked over to him and saw that he was crying, all I could manage to say through the tears was "You did it again didn't you?" I don't even remember what he said. Or if he said anything at all. That night I stayed the night at my life long friend Brittany's house. We didn't talk about it. We made a scrapbook and talked about boys. That was the night that I learned I could escape pain by focusing on other things. My 10th grade year was my favorite because I put off everything that was going on at home and I had fun. Me and Erika and Ramon and Greg. We had fun and even though I was dying inside I covered it up really well. That was also the year my love of music grew to extreme amounts. I didn't have to say how I felt because the music did it for me. High school went on that way, I worked and tried to keep my grades atleast at a normal level. When I graduated I moved to Utah for school and that was the first time my depression got really bad, I slept for days on end. It seemed like the bad news never ended. My mom lost her job. My dad hit my mom with my car. My sister was being bullied. And for the first time in my life I wasn't there to help out.
I had been able to keep things afloat when I moved back home for a few months, even after I moved back and my best friend at the time was lying to everyone and making things really sucky it was ok. It wasn't until last year that things got really bad. People I was friends with and trusted did nothing when my name was being slandered. The person I was in love with broke me down in every way possible and then when I tried to walk away I was asked to help him deal with things that I swore to myself I would never let in my life again. After months of back and forth it ended and I felt completely drained, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was in and out of the hospital for leg issues. I had panic attacks everyday and in January I tried to kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! Because Everything I had been afraid of my whole life was true. I wasn't pretty, smart, spiritual, strong, I tried to keep things together once again this time with my own relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I felt like I didn't belong on the planet. So I tried to leave.
Over the past few months it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes it flairs up though. Like last night.
So there it is. Judge me if you want. It won't be anything new, and trust me nothing at this point can make me feel worse about myself then I already do. I'm writing this not for attention but because I think shedding light on things make them easier sometimes. And in the words of Nada Surf "It helps to write it down, even of you then cross it out."
I'm suicidal. And if you are one of the people who are going to judge me for it then you don't know me at all. So here it is.
When I was 3-4 I was sexually abused at a babysitters house. It made me feel very different from other kids and made me feel like I don't belong here on this planet, I felt like an alien. Around that time I realized that my parents didn't love each other and that I was a "mistake" this added to my feeling or not being wanted or feeling out of place. When I was 6 we moved to Tennessee and between 2nd and 3rd grade I was in 7 different classes. I didn't mind this much except it made things hard when it came to being social. When we moved to Florida things started to settle down. Until my dads pornography issues started to affect our family, I remember being 9 years old and begging my parents to stay together for the sake of my baby brother who was just a few months old. I remember being on the family computer and being sent porn from one of my dad's friends and him telling me not to look at it. I was 9 of course I looked at it. All through middle school I tried to stay to myself and my close group of friends while on the inside I knew that the only reason my family was still together was because I begged and pleated and cried for my parents to stay together. It ate away at me because I wanted us to be happy. Through the years my dad lost jobs because of sexual harassment accusations from different woman. About a month after I turned 15 I came home from volunteering at scout camp and my dad was bringing boxes to his car. I walked over to him and saw that he was crying, all I could manage to say through the tears was "You did it again didn't you?" I don't even remember what he said. Or if he said anything at all. That night I stayed the night at my life long friend Brittany's house. We didn't talk about it. We made a scrapbook and talked about boys. That was the night that I learned I could escape pain by focusing on other things. My 10th grade year was my favorite because I put off everything that was going on at home and I had fun. Me and Erika and Ramon and Greg. We had fun and even though I was dying inside I covered it up really well. That was also the year my love of music grew to extreme amounts. I didn't have to say how I felt because the music did it for me. High school went on that way, I worked and tried to keep my grades atleast at a normal level. When I graduated I moved to Utah for school and that was the first time my depression got really bad, I slept for days on end. It seemed like the bad news never ended. My mom lost her job. My dad hit my mom with my car. My sister was being bullied. And for the first time in my life I wasn't there to help out.
I had been able to keep things afloat when I moved back home for a few months, even after I moved back and my best friend at the time was lying to everyone and making things really sucky it was ok. It wasn't until last year that things got really bad. People I was friends with and trusted did nothing when my name was being slandered. The person I was in love with broke me down in every way possible and then when I tried to walk away I was asked to help him deal with things that I swore to myself I would never let in my life again. After months of back and forth it ended and I felt completely drained, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was in and out of the hospital for leg issues. I had panic attacks everyday and in January I tried to kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! Because Everything I had been afraid of my whole life was true. I wasn't pretty, smart, spiritual, strong, I tried to keep things together once again this time with my own relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I felt like I didn't belong on the planet. So I tried to leave.
Over the past few months it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes it flairs up though. Like last night.
So there it is. Judge me if you want. It won't be anything new, and trust me nothing at this point can make me feel worse about myself then I already do. I'm writing this not for attention but because I think shedding light on things make them easier sometimes. And in the words of Nada Surf "It helps to write it down, even of you then cross it out."
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear Agony (My letter to you.)
Dear You,
I am a shell of the person I once was. I try to be everything people need. I dress differently, think differently . I am so concerned about what people think of me. I tell everyone not to even bring you up to me. To pretend that you never existed. It doesn't work because you exist in my mind. Telling me everything that is wrong with me.
You exist when other boys are around and they say I'm beautiful, they will take it back just like you did.
Because to me you are still beautiful. You still make me smile, even in just the memories. You are the standard. I miss you so much it hurts. Even when it goes away for a long time it creeps back in my mind.
I did a lot of wrong things, but I still swear that I never lied. And I want you to be happy, I need me to be happy too. I missed the Big A$$ Show this year and the Blink 182 concert because I was on a date with another boy. Who happens to be fantastic by the way. I wish I could give him my heart. But I never got it back.
If you ever read this you'll probably laugh at it. Show your friends, even family. And that's fine. I just need to get my thoughts out to someone.
Sincerely, Me
P.s. Don't Settle
I am a shell of the person I once was. I try to be everything people need. I dress differently, think differently . I am so concerned about what people think of me. I tell everyone not to even bring you up to me. To pretend that you never existed. It doesn't work because you exist in my mind. Telling me everything that is wrong with me.
You exist when other boys are around and they say I'm beautiful, they will take it back just like you did.
Because to me you are still beautiful. You still make me smile, even in just the memories. You are the standard. I miss you so much it hurts. Even when it goes away for a long time it creeps back in my mind.
I did a lot of wrong things, but I still swear that I never lied. And I want you to be happy, I need me to be happy too. I missed the Big A$$ Show this year and the Blink 182 concert because I was on a date with another boy. Who happens to be fantastic by the way. I wish I could give him my heart. But I never got it back.
If you ever read this you'll probably laugh at it. Show your friends, even family. And that's fine. I just need to get my thoughts out to someone.
Sincerely, Me
P.s. Don't Settle
I Miss You
I miss you. No one wants to hear me say it. I don't want to hear me say it. I miss you. I hate that all my fears have come true. That literally the very thing I asked not to happen is happening. I miss you. I hope they knock some sense you. I hope they tell you everything they said about me and that you change your mind. If she gets you, I will believe every again.
It's pathetic because no matter how many guys come around there is always you. Haunting me or reminding me that nothing feels as good. And no one has ever made me feel as bad. No one has ever made me feel so beautiful or ugly.
Sometimes I can't help but think about how I can make the pain go away and never feel this terrible again. It gets really tempting.
It's pathetic because no matter how many guys come around there is always you. Haunting me or reminding me that nothing feels as good. And no one has ever made me feel as bad. No one has ever made me feel so beautiful or ugly.
Sometimes I can't help but think about how I can make the pain go away and never feel this terrible again. It gets really tempting.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
What Lies Beneath
I.
I never feel.
I never feel like I'm enough.
I research serial killers, I am not scared by death, I think suicide notes are sad, I like to know why people do what they do.
I love my dog, he literally has saved my life. I'm not going to give him up.
I dare you to make comments about where I'm living again.
I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So I will live by the standards.
I am thinking of serving a mission.
“Today many sisters are being called to serve. Many more are preparing to serve. Not because they aren't married or don't have anything else to do, but they have the desire to serve. One reason that the Lord wants more sisters to serve is because within the next generation He will send His priesthood army to the earth. He wants to send choice spirit children to mothers who have been prepared, properly trained, and taught in the gospel. What better schooling can a mother have than the experience and growth she gains through serving a mission.” --President Gordon B. Hinckley
This quote is why. I want to be a good example for my children.
I bought my first pair of boots, actually two pair brown riding boots and black combats boots.
I'm going to be catwoman for halloween.
Random thoughts that needed to come out.
I never feel.
I never feel like I'm enough.
I research serial killers, I am not scared by death, I think suicide notes are sad, I like to know why people do what they do.
I love my dog, he literally has saved my life. I'm not going to give him up.
I dare you to make comments about where I'm living again.
I believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So I will live by the standards.
I am thinking of serving a mission.
“Today many sisters are being called to serve. Many more are preparing to serve. Not because they aren't married or don't have anything else to do, but they have the desire to serve. One reason that the Lord wants more sisters to serve is because within the next generation He will send His priesthood army to the earth. He wants to send choice spirit children to mothers who have been prepared, properly trained, and taught in the gospel. What better schooling can a mother have than the experience and growth she gains through serving a mission.” --President Gordon B. Hinckley
This quote is why. I want to be a good example for my children.
I bought my first pair of boots, actually two pair brown riding boots and black combats boots.
I'm going to be catwoman for halloween.
Random thoughts that needed to come out.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Brink Of Disaster
This week has been little nuts. One guy tells you he doesn't like you and another tells you he does. In the same 24 hours. I went on a super good date with Ben, it was good for me. I'm going to the wedding with Eli on Saturday.
I don't know if I can date anyone right now. I kinda feel like I've reverted back a little bit. By no means like how I was last year. I just feel really insecure about a lot of things right now. However there are like 3 guys in my ward that I think are cute. I'm not saying I'm even gonna talk to them cause let's be honest I won't, but I'm excited to know I'm not totally turned off by the thought of guys.
Also I've rekindled my love for Friends! I'm in season 3 and I believe everyone should watch this show!
Bryanna wants to move out of her parents house, and I would love to have a place of my own but like financially I couldn't do it until next semester. And I really really really don't want to move out of the ward.
I've started thinking about Vlogging I mean a lot of people read this so maybe people would like that? We'll see.
Last night Bryanna and I had not the same dream but dreams with the same purpose? Does that mean it'll come true?
I don't know if I can date anyone right now. I kinda feel like I've reverted back a little bit. By no means like how I was last year. I just feel really insecure about a lot of things right now. However there are like 3 guys in my ward that I think are cute. I'm not saying I'm even gonna talk to them cause let's be honest I won't, but I'm excited to know I'm not totally turned off by the thought of guys.
Also I've rekindled my love for Friends! I'm in season 3 and I believe everyone should watch this show!
Bryanna wants to move out of her parents house, and I would love to have a place of my own but like financially I couldn't do it until next semester. And I really really really don't want to move out of the ward.
I've started thinking about Vlogging I mean a lot of people read this so maybe people would like that? We'll see.
Last night Bryanna and I had not the same dream but dreams with the same purpose? Does that mean it'll come true?
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Smooth Criminal
Super silly title. I know.
I promise to never ever care about another person ever again. Everybody lies. Why is honesty such a hard issue for people to understand?
"The bad guys lie to get in your pants, the good guys lie to get into your heart."
I'm back to the mind frame of never being enough. Because you can be awesome, and pretty and attractive and smart, and spiritual and still not be enough. Should I just submit to what my grandpa thinks and end up like Amy? Look like a Barbie Doll, and change my personality to fit who I'm dating? That seems to be the way to go.
I CAN'T change who I am. I wasn't raised in Utah, I didn't have a perfect upbringing and I'm completely jaded by that. But I want normal. I don't want to be messed up forever.
"Perfectly Imperfect." --To you I'm not, but to anyone else that's ever met me that's the definition. I am not enough. Never have been and never will be.
So you occupy my head, while he still has my heart. What is left for me?
I promise to never ever care about another person ever again. Everybody lies. Why is honesty such a hard issue for people to understand?
"The bad guys lie to get in your pants, the good guys lie to get into your heart."
I'm back to the mind frame of never being enough. Because you can be awesome, and pretty and attractive and smart, and spiritual and still not be enough. Should I just submit to what my grandpa thinks and end up like Amy? Look like a Barbie Doll, and change my personality to fit who I'm dating? That seems to be the way to go.
I CAN'T change who I am. I wasn't raised in Utah, I didn't have a perfect upbringing and I'm completely jaded by that. But I want normal. I don't want to be messed up forever.
"Perfectly Imperfect." --To you I'm not, but to anyone else that's ever met me that's the definition. I am not enough. Never have been and never will be.
So you occupy my head, while he still has my heart. What is left for me?
Monday, September 17, 2012
Nicest Thing
I learned this week that a few of my guy friends read this thing. It's great since most of the time I'm on here talking about guys. And since guys are reading this. Lets get some advice? YES!
So we all know how retarded I am now since everything with Ryan. I will think I'm into someone for a little then realize how terrible they are and get over it. Well in my last entry I talked about Eli. I'm really freaking myself out because he isn't like that, and I'm not realizing how terrible he is in fact the more I learn about him the more I like. He's in Logan and I'm here and he's not emotionally available and I can't blame him I was for a year. And I always said when guys wanted to date me that if someone just continued to be my friend and showed they really cared a about me then it would probably happen. But all of them pushed it and I walked away, I'm trying really really hard not to do that with Eli. I know I do sometimes though. I really don't want to though. And then sometimes it's the other extreme and I don't talk to him at all, and that's what will probably happen all this week. Why can't I just be normal?? Or not care at all like before?
On a bright note Halloween is looking to turn our really great!
So we all know how retarded I am now since everything with Ryan. I will think I'm into someone for a little then realize how terrible they are and get over it. Well in my last entry I talked about Eli. I'm really freaking myself out because he isn't like that, and I'm not realizing how terrible he is in fact the more I learn about him the more I like. He's in Logan and I'm here and he's not emotionally available and I can't blame him I was for a year. And I always said when guys wanted to date me that if someone just continued to be my friend and showed they really cared a about me then it would probably happen. But all of them pushed it and I walked away, I'm trying really really hard not to do that with Eli. I know I do sometimes though. I really don't want to though. And then sometimes it's the other extreme and I don't talk to him at all, and that's what will probably happen all this week. Why can't I just be normal?? Or not care at all like before?
On a bright note Halloween is looking to turn our really great!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Follow Through
Once again I have let life get the best of me and neglected my wonderful blog. Worth it? Absolutely! I just hope I can remember all the has happened.
Most importantly, The Costley's have been mind blowingly great, in the beginning of July Amy said she wanted me to to move out. I didn't argue wit her and so that night me Bry and Andrew went and got all my stuff from her house. So I was homeless. The Costley's have let me stay with them since then. I try and keep clean and do as many chores as possible. Just because I want to show some appreciation. They are really great people and they have such kind hearts.
The whole falling out with Amy has been kinda hard for me seeing as for the most part of my life I idolized her and I always felt like I could talk her about everything and now we don't talk at all. It just wasn't the right environment for me and it was starting to bring me down.
We went to bear lake as a ward and I got to hang out with Eli a lot. He had been around all summer long and I just never really paid any attention to him. He was the one who bought all our tickets to Avengers, sat by me as sushi and Brave apparently, and made an effort to see how I was at every social event all summer. I just always ignored him kind of but at bear lake we went tubing and talked and laughed and he kind of became my "flavor of the week". But after we came back from bear lake the crush didn't go away. We ended up talking like all the time and I learn just how funny he is and how much we have in common which is A LOT. A few weeks ago I ended up telling him I had a thing for him and a few days ago he said he liked me too, but that he isn't wanting a relationship. I've been trying to ignore him and stay away from him but we have all the same friends. And I really do enjoy being around him. I'm just really really afraid of being hurt. And last night at Andrew's party he started asking Bryanna about me and how I was before moving here, and asking her if I was ok and all this stuff. I wish he felt comfortable asking me those things but I guess a 3rd person opinion is always nice. I'm just being really careful about how much I open up to him, not that he's asking anyway. But he's asking my friends. He's seriously a really great guy and I feel like I can tlak to him for hours, and I guess I do over text and when he comes down for the weekend.
We are supposed to be going to Jennifer's wedding on the 29th, but his convert is going through the temple in Arizona. Which is way more important than the wedding anyway.
Well's it's really late and I need sleep so I'll write more tomorrow.
Most importantly, The Costley's have been mind blowingly great, in the beginning of July Amy said she wanted me to to move out. I didn't argue wit her and so that night me Bry and Andrew went and got all my stuff from her house. So I was homeless. The Costley's have let me stay with them since then. I try and keep clean and do as many chores as possible. Just because I want to show some appreciation. They are really great people and they have such kind hearts.
The whole falling out with Amy has been kinda hard for me seeing as for the most part of my life I idolized her and I always felt like I could talk her about everything and now we don't talk at all. It just wasn't the right environment for me and it was starting to bring me down.
We went to bear lake as a ward and I got to hang out with Eli a lot. He had been around all summer long and I just never really paid any attention to him. He was the one who bought all our tickets to Avengers, sat by me as sushi and Brave apparently, and made an effort to see how I was at every social event all summer. I just always ignored him kind of but at bear lake we went tubing and talked and laughed and he kind of became my "flavor of the week". But after we came back from bear lake the crush didn't go away. We ended up talking like all the time and I learn just how funny he is and how much we have in common which is A LOT. A few weeks ago I ended up telling him I had a thing for him and a few days ago he said he liked me too, but that he isn't wanting a relationship. I've been trying to ignore him and stay away from him but we have all the same friends. And I really do enjoy being around him. I'm just really really afraid of being hurt. And last night at Andrew's party he started asking Bryanna about me and how I was before moving here, and asking her if I was ok and all this stuff. I wish he felt comfortable asking me those things but I guess a 3rd person opinion is always nice. I'm just being really careful about how much I open up to him, not that he's asking anyway. But he's asking my friends. He's seriously a really great guy and I feel like I can tlak to him for hours, and I guess I do over text and when he comes down for the weekend.
We are supposed to be going to Jennifer's wedding on the 29th, but his convert is going through the temple in Arizona. Which is way more important than the wedding anyway.
Well's it's really late and I need sleep so I'll write more tomorrow.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
23
Yesterday was my 23 birthday! 23 is my favorite age to be, and let me tell you it was an amazing birthday! I spent the day at the shop then went to the Costley's and we had a party. Bryanna got me Werewolf so we got to play that!! Dianna got me these BEAUTIFUL ear rings. They have roses and pearls and they are so pretty! Mckell got me an eiffel tower key chain and so did Andrew. Also Anthony called me yesterday to tell me happy birthday!! That alone made my day, I love that kid so much! Caitlin put together an amazing party! Mom sent me 23 dollars and the funniest card. It was just so much fun seeing my friends and having a great time! It was one of my best birthdays ever! We all fell asleep at the Costley's I love this group of friends so much! More later!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Secrets.
Thoughts I've had over the past few days.
I come off to people as someone so different from who I really am. I'm popular and I have a bunch of friends and don't get me wrong I love them, but I do so much better one on one.
All of my friends would tell you I don't like to be touchy that I like my space. When people try and push those boundaries I coil up and push the person away, but somewhere in myself or in them I see something I might want to try.
Sometimes I push that feeling away and other times I give in to them. Maybe that's what happened the other night with Andrew. Nothing turned into something. Something that I don't do. Something that I don't let happen.
But
When I do, it's like I become a different person than I normally am. I open up to the person. Not just physically but emotionally like I could tell them anything...everything about myself. And all the sudden
BAM
they are important. They are my confidant. And that's a bad thing...Right? Because I shouldn't trust someone because they feel nice to be physical with.
I come off to people as someone so different from who I really am. I'm popular and I have a bunch of friends and don't get me wrong I love them, but I do so much better one on one.
All of my friends would tell you I don't like to be touchy that I like my space. When people try and push those boundaries I coil up and push the person away, but somewhere in myself or in them I see something I might want to try.
Sometimes I push that feeling away and other times I give in to them. Maybe that's what happened the other night with Andrew. Nothing turned into something. Something that I don't do. Something that I don't let happen.
But
When I do, it's like I become a different person than I normally am. I open up to the person. Not just physically but emotionally like I could tell them anything...everything about myself. And all the sudden
BAM
they are important. They are my confidant. And that's a bad thing...Right? Because I shouldn't trust someone because they feel nice to be physical with.
Monday, June 18, 2012
sail
Adventures in Farmtown. Since being here in Farmington I've made some pretty awesome friends. We've even named ourselves. The Clique. The Clique consists of
Me
Caitlin
Bryanna
McKell
Robb
Robby
Andrew
John
Saxxon...and Eli but he hasn't really hung out with us. I hope I didn't forget anyone.
Anyway. We hang out all the time, swimming, making cake, watching sherlock, random movies. We do basically everything together. A few nights ago I ended up cuddling with Andrew, it was weird because I haven't done anything like that with anyone since Ryan. I mean it was nice Andrew is an attractive guy and super nice and stuff but i didn't have feeling for him. Actually we all know I kinda have a thing for Robb.
Now I feel like I've messed things up with some of my relationships in "The Clique". Relationships I didn't want to ever mess up. And I don't like Andrew. At least I don't think I do, and I still like Robb at least I think I do. And I definitely don't want to piss anyone off or bun any bridges. Last night Andrew said our lives should be a t.v show. I feel like it could be. Robb and Mckell aren't even in the country yet I wonder what'll happen when they get back.
I just don't want to be the bad guy. I want to keep my friends and not mess anything up.
Me
Caitlin
Bryanna
McKell
Robb
Robby
Andrew
John
Saxxon...and Eli but he hasn't really hung out with us. I hope I didn't forget anyone.
Anyway. We hang out all the time, swimming, making cake, watching sherlock, random movies. We do basically everything together. A few nights ago I ended up cuddling with Andrew, it was weird because I haven't done anything like that with anyone since Ryan. I mean it was nice Andrew is an attractive guy and super nice and stuff but i didn't have feeling for him. Actually we all know I kinda have a thing for Robb.
Now I feel like I've messed things up with some of my relationships in "The Clique". Relationships I didn't want to ever mess up. And I don't like Andrew. At least I don't think I do, and I still like Robb at least I think I do. And I definitely don't want to piss anyone off or bun any bridges. Last night Andrew said our lives should be a t.v show. I feel like it could be. Robb and Mckell aren't even in the country yet I wonder what'll happen when they get back.
I just don't want to be the bad guy. I want to keep my friends and not mess anything up.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Monster
Meeting Robb has made me think of Andrew a lot. He looks just like him. Same interests, music taste.
I appreciate checkered vans, and spiritual thoughts.
I appreciate big blue eyes and scruff and dress pants that hit the hips just right.
Am I allowed to say these things? Am i allowed to be so candid and open? To say that I totally fell for a missionary? hush hush. Don't be that girl. I don't won't regret it at all because I learned about me. The music I like, the clothes I like, Guns, Blink 182, Thrice, Band T's. Its who I am and I believe it was necessary.
Do you remember me back then? Confident. Care free. Punk.
How could that be bad? I need to get back to that. Even now I am afraid of offending EVERYONE. Afraid of being myself, afraid of being wrong and right. Afraid of being happy and sad.
LETS MAKE THIS LAST FOREVER.
I appreciate checkered vans, and spiritual thoughts.
I appreciate big blue eyes and scruff and dress pants that hit the hips just right.
Am I allowed to say these things? Am i allowed to be so candid and open? To say that I totally fell for a missionary? hush hush. Don't be that girl. I don't won't regret it at all because I learned about me. The music I like, the clothes I like, Guns, Blink 182, Thrice, Band T's. Its who I am and I believe it was necessary.
Do you remember me back then? Confident. Care free. Punk.
How could that be bad? I need to get back to that. Even now I am afraid of offending EVERYONE. Afraid of being myself, afraid of being wrong and right. Afraid of being happy and sad.
LETS MAKE THIS LAST FOREVER.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Mr.Roboto
I got a job at an auto shop. I also know nothing about cars, but they guy says he'll train me so it's totally worth it.
On Thursday there is a pool party that I am super stoked for because I miss having water at my disposal like back home.
I also lost my phone and apparently it's no where to be found. This bugs me hardcore. I'm not used to not having a phone.
My dad told me he is worthy to have a temple recommend. It's the happiest thing anyone could probably ever say to me. I also shared my testimony at church on Sunday, I haven' done that in a few months. I also met my visiting teaching companion and the girl that visit teaches me. They both seem like really nice girls. I can't even explain how much I love my new ward. I just need to try and meet new people, I've kinda closed myself off from people because I hang out with the same people all the time. So maybe that will be my goal for this month? Make new acquaintances? How about at the pool party I just talk to everyone? I think that is a good goal.
Here is my question. Do I want to do behavioral science and study people OR do I want to do music production and possibly open up a record label someday? I cant decide. If anyone has opinions feel free to share.
On Thursday there is a pool party that I am super stoked for because I miss having water at my disposal like back home.
I also lost my phone and apparently it's no where to be found. This bugs me hardcore. I'm not used to not having a phone.
My dad told me he is worthy to have a temple recommend. It's the happiest thing anyone could probably ever say to me. I also shared my testimony at church on Sunday, I haven' done that in a few months. I also met my visiting teaching companion and the girl that visit teaches me. They both seem like really nice girls. I can't even explain how much I love my new ward. I just need to try and meet new people, I've kinda closed myself off from people because I hang out with the same people all the time. So maybe that will be my goal for this month? Make new acquaintances? How about at the pool party I just talk to everyone? I think that is a good goal.
Here is my question. Do I want to do behavioral science and study people OR do I want to do music production and possibly open up a record label someday? I cant decide. If anyone has opinions feel free to share.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Almost Everything
It's been almost a year since the last time I wrote. So what happened in the past year?
I dated Ryan, and it was really great. Then we broke up , that sucked. We met Madi, Dianna and Zach got married, Chelsea and Reed got married and then Madi and Jared got married. I worked for a company named RCI and loved it. I got sick and was in the hospital 3 times for MRSA. I got really depressed...more so than anytime in my life. I contemplated suicide. I tried to hide everything from my friends but I would randomly have break-downs and panic attacks. Then i started running into Ryan in a lot of random places. Once his entire family was there. For a long time I was unhealthy in a lot of ways. Nothing seemed to make things better.
One day Dianna drove me to the temple. I cried because I felt like I had lost my testimony, I felt like I had lost everything. NOT because of the break-up but because my character had been compromised and questioned from everyone I had known at times even from my best friends. Looking at the temple and feeling nothing, praying and feeling nothing was about the darkest place I could ever be.
I decided I needed a change so I bought Bryanna to Provo and we me some new friends Blake and Ben. Meeting them changed things because they were people who were truly good. You could see it. And I wanted to be like them. I felt like I had to change everything in my life. So I did. I moved up to Farmington and I live with my aunt Amy. I don't talk to anyone who brings me down. I also don't talk to anyone that reminds me of last summer. It sucks having to cut people out but honestly I'm so happy here.
I met some new friends. Saxxon, Robb, Caitlin, McKell, Kara, Matt. My ward here is amazing, they don't really know me. I mean Caitlin does, McKell and Robb kinda do which is fine. I like being able to lay low and have a simple life. We do lots of fun things here. Pool parties, fires, movies. Things I did with my old friends. I spend a lot of time with Bryanna which I love. Moving to "farm town" has been the best decision I've made in a long time and I think the reason why is that I felt the Spirit when praying about moving here. I'm happy here.
I dated Ryan, and it was really great. Then we broke up , that sucked. We met Madi, Dianna and Zach got married, Chelsea and Reed got married and then Madi and Jared got married. I worked for a company named RCI and loved it. I got sick and was in the hospital 3 times for MRSA. I got really depressed...more so than anytime in my life. I contemplated suicide. I tried to hide everything from my friends but I would randomly have break-downs and panic attacks. Then i started running into Ryan in a lot of random places. Once his entire family was there. For a long time I was unhealthy in a lot of ways. Nothing seemed to make things better.
One day Dianna drove me to the temple. I cried because I felt like I had lost my testimony, I felt like I had lost everything. NOT because of the break-up but because my character had been compromised and questioned from everyone I had known at times even from my best friends. Looking at the temple and feeling nothing, praying and feeling nothing was about the darkest place I could ever be.
I decided I needed a change so I bought Bryanna to Provo and we me some new friends Blake and Ben. Meeting them changed things because they were people who were truly good. You could see it. And I wanted to be like them. I felt like I had to change everything in my life. So I did. I moved up to Farmington and I live with my aunt Amy. I don't talk to anyone who brings me down. I also don't talk to anyone that reminds me of last summer. It sucks having to cut people out but honestly I'm so happy here.
I met some new friends. Saxxon, Robb, Caitlin, McKell, Kara, Matt. My ward here is amazing, they don't really know me. I mean Caitlin does, McKell and Robb kinda do which is fine. I like being able to lay low and have a simple life. We do lots of fun things here. Pool parties, fires, movies. Things I did with my old friends. I spend a lot of time with Bryanna which I love. Moving to "farm town" has been the best decision I've made in a long time and I think the reason why is that I felt the Spirit when praying about moving here. I'm happy here.
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