Well, so much for not falling in love with Tyler. We've been married for 4 months now. We got married on September 6, 2014. Our wedding day was perfect. So our marriage has been pretty great so far too. We had a rough time for a while, I broke my knee cap in October and we also suffered a miscarriage. But we made it through pretty well.
Other than that I've been staying on top of classes, I've done 9 hours of of Math homework in the last week, Which is pretty much a miracle.
I have to say I'm a little bit embarrassed about some of the stuff I've written about in the past on this blog. I feel like when I look through this I'm reading a teen's diary which, I guess I am. Still embarrassing though. Like, you know when people say that once you find the right person it totally makes sense why it didn't work out with anyone else? It's so so true.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sweet Disposition
I hope that no one reads this entry. Let me tell you why, I'm not ready. I'm not ready to give my heart to another person. I'm not ready for the vulnerability that comes with love. I've been dating Tyler for 2 months and I've been really cautious about falling in love with him...but I'm afraid that it will happen. He's the best guy that I've ever dated there is not even competition. He is so honest and selfless and caring. Not to mention that I love his family, I spent the 4th of July with them and had a blast! I love his mom...she is special. I felt like she knew me and she had never met me before. It was a weird thing I told Tyler about it and he said his mom has gifts like that. I believe him.
I'm not there yet but it's slowly getting there. The more that I learn about him the more I care about him.
He told me about how Nathaniel died yesterday...I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I never even met him and I was crying. Maybe because it was at 3 in the morning or maybe because I've been to the point before where ending my life seemed like an option...but I couldn't do it. Nathaniel did. I can't even imagine that. I wish I could have met him. It really makes me sad like deeply sad. I feel like he had the courage I didn't even though most would say it was the other way around.
I'm not there yet but it's slowly getting there. The more that I learn about him the more I care about him.
He told me about how Nathaniel died yesterday...I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I never even met him and I was crying. Maybe because it was at 3 in the morning or maybe because I've been to the point before where ending my life seemed like an option...but I couldn't do it. Nathaniel did. I can't even imagine that. I wish I could have met him. It really makes me sad like deeply sad. I feel like he had the courage I didn't even though most would say it was the other way around.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Can't Stop
School is kicking my butt. However, I love all my classes except math haha. The past week and a half-ish have been really strange. I've started to branch out a little in the ward. Everyone is so nice, and really inviting. It's interesting seeing how everyone interacts with each other. I'm learning a lot too. I remember when I thought Andrew was a player. He has nothing on some of the guys in this ward. haha It's fine they are still all really nice. Some of the people in the ward that I never thought would talk to me are becoming my good friends. It's a little scary. And the one boy in the ward I said that I would never date is paying a lot of attention to me lately, it's not like he isn't attractive or nice. I just always thought he was really stuck up. He really isn't though, I think he is just shy.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Violence
We live in an evil world. In the past 2 weeks there have been 3 shootings, and yesterday a 6th grader at the school that Bryanna works at brought a gun to school and put it to a little girls head and told her he was going to shoot her. It's like it's everyday. Crazy.
But there is also so much good happening in the world right now too. People are amazing when they see someone else in need, I'm glad to be a part of it.
But there is also so much good happening in the world right now too. People are amazing when they see someone else in need, I'm glad to be a part of it.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Stay, Stay, Stay
I might have to give away Boston. I can't imagine my life without him at this point. He's my baby. I don't know how to train him, he's my first dog. But I feel like we are making progress. He's my angel and he literally saves my life. I'm going to talk to my roommate about giving him, and me another chance, he's my everything. Why is everything I love taken away from me? Why do I ruin everything? Can't just one thing stay? He's my angel. I hope I can keep him.
Monday, October 22, 2012
You Don't Know Me.
Not like it hasn't been obvious in the last couple of days and if you really know me the last year or so but I figure that if something needs to get better there should be light shed on it.
I'm suicidal. And if you are one of the people who are going to judge me for it then you don't know me at all. So here it is.
When I was 3-4 I was sexually abused at a babysitters house. It made me feel very different from other kids and made me feel like I don't belong here on this planet, I felt like an alien. Around that time I realized that my parents didn't love each other and that I was a "mistake" this added to my feeling or not being wanted or feeling out of place. When I was 6 we moved to Tennessee and between 2nd and 3rd grade I was in 7 different classes. I didn't mind this much except it made things hard when it came to being social. When we moved to Florida things started to settle down. Until my dads pornography issues started to affect our family, I remember being 9 years old and begging my parents to stay together for the sake of my baby brother who was just a few months old. I remember being on the family computer and being sent porn from one of my dad's friends and him telling me not to look at it. I was 9 of course I looked at it. All through middle school I tried to stay to myself and my close group of friends while on the inside I knew that the only reason my family was still together was because I begged and pleated and cried for my parents to stay together. It ate away at me because I wanted us to be happy. Through the years my dad lost jobs because of sexual harassment accusations from different woman. About a month after I turned 15 I came home from volunteering at scout camp and my dad was bringing boxes to his car. I walked over to him and saw that he was crying, all I could manage to say through the tears was "You did it again didn't you?" I don't even remember what he said. Or if he said anything at all. That night I stayed the night at my life long friend Brittany's house. We didn't talk about it. We made a scrapbook and talked about boys. That was the night that I learned I could escape pain by focusing on other things. My 10th grade year was my favorite because I put off everything that was going on at home and I had fun. Me and Erika and Ramon and Greg. We had fun and even though I was dying inside I covered it up really well. That was also the year my love of music grew to extreme amounts. I didn't have to say how I felt because the music did it for me. High school went on that way, I worked and tried to keep my grades atleast at a normal level. When I graduated I moved to Utah for school and that was the first time my depression got really bad, I slept for days on end. It seemed like the bad news never ended. My mom lost her job. My dad hit my mom with my car. My sister was being bullied. And for the first time in my life I wasn't there to help out.
I had been able to keep things afloat when I moved back home for a few months, even after I moved back and my best friend at the time was lying to everyone and making things really sucky it was ok. It wasn't until last year that things got really bad. People I was friends with and trusted did nothing when my name was being slandered. The person I was in love with broke me down in every way possible and then when I tried to walk away I was asked to help him deal with things that I swore to myself I would never let in my life again. After months of back and forth it ended and I felt completely drained, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was in and out of the hospital for leg issues. I had panic attacks everyday and in January I tried to kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! Because Everything I had been afraid of my whole life was true. I wasn't pretty, smart, spiritual, strong, I tried to keep things together once again this time with my own relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I felt like I didn't belong on the planet. So I tried to leave.
Over the past few months it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes it flairs up though. Like last night.
So there it is. Judge me if you want. It won't be anything new, and trust me nothing at this point can make me feel worse about myself then I already do. I'm writing this not for attention but because I think shedding light on things make them easier sometimes. And in the words of Nada Surf "It helps to write it down, even of you then cross it out."
I'm suicidal. And if you are one of the people who are going to judge me for it then you don't know me at all. So here it is.
When I was 3-4 I was sexually abused at a babysitters house. It made me feel very different from other kids and made me feel like I don't belong here on this planet, I felt like an alien. Around that time I realized that my parents didn't love each other and that I was a "mistake" this added to my feeling or not being wanted or feeling out of place. When I was 6 we moved to Tennessee and between 2nd and 3rd grade I was in 7 different classes. I didn't mind this much except it made things hard when it came to being social. When we moved to Florida things started to settle down. Until my dads pornography issues started to affect our family, I remember being 9 years old and begging my parents to stay together for the sake of my baby brother who was just a few months old. I remember being on the family computer and being sent porn from one of my dad's friends and him telling me not to look at it. I was 9 of course I looked at it. All through middle school I tried to stay to myself and my close group of friends while on the inside I knew that the only reason my family was still together was because I begged and pleated and cried for my parents to stay together. It ate away at me because I wanted us to be happy. Through the years my dad lost jobs because of sexual harassment accusations from different woman. About a month after I turned 15 I came home from volunteering at scout camp and my dad was bringing boxes to his car. I walked over to him and saw that he was crying, all I could manage to say through the tears was "You did it again didn't you?" I don't even remember what he said. Or if he said anything at all. That night I stayed the night at my life long friend Brittany's house. We didn't talk about it. We made a scrapbook and talked about boys. That was the night that I learned I could escape pain by focusing on other things. My 10th grade year was my favorite because I put off everything that was going on at home and I had fun. Me and Erika and Ramon and Greg. We had fun and even though I was dying inside I covered it up really well. That was also the year my love of music grew to extreme amounts. I didn't have to say how I felt because the music did it for me. High school went on that way, I worked and tried to keep my grades atleast at a normal level. When I graduated I moved to Utah for school and that was the first time my depression got really bad, I slept for days on end. It seemed like the bad news never ended. My mom lost her job. My dad hit my mom with my car. My sister was being bullied. And for the first time in my life I wasn't there to help out.
I had been able to keep things afloat when I moved back home for a few months, even after I moved back and my best friend at the time was lying to everyone and making things really sucky it was ok. It wasn't until last year that things got really bad. People I was friends with and trusted did nothing when my name was being slandered. The person I was in love with broke me down in every way possible and then when I tried to walk away I was asked to help him deal with things that I swore to myself I would never let in my life again. After months of back and forth it ended and I felt completely drained, spiritually, mentally, physically. I was in and out of the hospital for leg issues. I had panic attacks everyday and in January I tried to kill myself. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM! Because Everything I had been afraid of my whole life was true. I wasn't pretty, smart, spiritual, strong, I tried to keep things together once again this time with my own relationship with my boyfriend and my friends. I felt like I didn't belong on the planet. So I tried to leave.
Over the past few months it's gotten a lot better. Sometimes it flairs up though. Like last night.
So there it is. Judge me if you want. It won't be anything new, and trust me nothing at this point can make me feel worse about myself then I already do. I'm writing this not for attention but because I think shedding light on things make them easier sometimes. And in the words of Nada Surf "It helps to write it down, even of you then cross it out."
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dear Agony (My letter to you.)
Dear You,
I am a shell of the person I once was. I try to be everything people need. I dress differently, think differently . I am so concerned about what people think of me. I tell everyone not to even bring you up to me. To pretend that you never existed. It doesn't work because you exist in my mind. Telling me everything that is wrong with me.
You exist when other boys are around and they say I'm beautiful, they will take it back just like you did.
Because to me you are still beautiful. You still make me smile, even in just the memories. You are the standard. I miss you so much it hurts. Even when it goes away for a long time it creeps back in my mind.
I did a lot of wrong things, but I still swear that I never lied. And I want you to be happy, I need me to be happy too. I missed the Big A$$ Show this year and the Blink 182 concert because I was on a date with another boy. Who happens to be fantastic by the way. I wish I could give him my heart. But I never got it back.
If you ever read this you'll probably laugh at it. Show your friends, even family. And that's fine. I just need to get my thoughts out to someone.
Sincerely, Me
P.s. Don't Settle
I am a shell of the person I once was. I try to be everything people need. I dress differently, think differently . I am so concerned about what people think of me. I tell everyone not to even bring you up to me. To pretend that you never existed. It doesn't work because you exist in my mind. Telling me everything that is wrong with me.
You exist when other boys are around and they say I'm beautiful, they will take it back just like you did.
Because to me you are still beautiful. You still make me smile, even in just the memories. You are the standard. I miss you so much it hurts. Even when it goes away for a long time it creeps back in my mind.
I did a lot of wrong things, but I still swear that I never lied. And I want you to be happy, I need me to be happy too. I missed the Big A$$ Show this year and the Blink 182 concert because I was on a date with another boy. Who happens to be fantastic by the way. I wish I could give him my heart. But I never got it back.
If you ever read this you'll probably laugh at it. Show your friends, even family. And that's fine. I just need to get my thoughts out to someone.
Sincerely, Me
P.s. Don't Settle
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