This week has been little nuts. One guy tells you he doesn't like you and another tells you he does. In the same 24 hours. I went on a super good date with Ben, it was good for me. I'm going to the wedding with Eli on Saturday.
I don't know if I can date anyone right now. I kinda feel like I've reverted back a little bit. By no means like how I was last year. I just feel really insecure about a lot of things right now. However there are like 3 guys in my ward that I think are cute. I'm not saying I'm even gonna talk to them cause let's be honest I won't, but I'm excited to know I'm not totally turned off by the thought of guys.
Also I've rekindled my love for Friends! I'm in season 3 and I believe everyone should watch this show!
Bryanna wants to move out of her parents house, and I would love to have a place of my own but like financially I couldn't do it until next semester. And I really really really don't want to move out of the ward.
I've started thinking about Vlogging I mean a lot of people read this so maybe people would like that? We'll see.
Last night Bryanna and I had not the same dream but dreams with the same purpose? Does that mean it'll come true?
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Smooth Criminal
Super silly title. I know.
I promise to never ever care about another person ever again. Everybody lies. Why is honesty such a hard issue for people to understand?
"The bad guys lie to get in your pants, the good guys lie to get into your heart."
I'm back to the mind frame of never being enough. Because you can be awesome, and pretty and attractive and smart, and spiritual and still not be enough. Should I just submit to what my grandpa thinks and end up like Amy? Look like a Barbie Doll, and change my personality to fit who I'm dating? That seems to be the way to go.
I CAN'T change who I am. I wasn't raised in Utah, I didn't have a perfect upbringing and I'm completely jaded by that. But I want normal. I don't want to be messed up forever.
"Perfectly Imperfect." --To you I'm not, but to anyone else that's ever met me that's the definition. I am not enough. Never have been and never will be.
So you occupy my head, while he still has my heart. What is left for me?
I promise to never ever care about another person ever again. Everybody lies. Why is honesty such a hard issue for people to understand?
"The bad guys lie to get in your pants, the good guys lie to get into your heart."
I'm back to the mind frame of never being enough. Because you can be awesome, and pretty and attractive and smart, and spiritual and still not be enough. Should I just submit to what my grandpa thinks and end up like Amy? Look like a Barbie Doll, and change my personality to fit who I'm dating? That seems to be the way to go.
I CAN'T change who I am. I wasn't raised in Utah, I didn't have a perfect upbringing and I'm completely jaded by that. But I want normal. I don't want to be messed up forever.
"Perfectly Imperfect." --To you I'm not, but to anyone else that's ever met me that's the definition. I am not enough. Never have been and never will be.
So you occupy my head, while he still has my heart. What is left for me?
Monday, September 17, 2012
Nicest Thing
I learned this week that a few of my guy friends read this thing. It's great since most of the time I'm on here talking about guys. And since guys are reading this. Lets get some advice? YES!
So we all know how retarded I am now since everything with Ryan. I will think I'm into someone for a little then realize how terrible they are and get over it. Well in my last entry I talked about Eli. I'm really freaking myself out because he isn't like that, and I'm not realizing how terrible he is in fact the more I learn about him the more I like. He's in Logan and I'm here and he's not emotionally available and I can't blame him I was for a year. And I always said when guys wanted to date me that if someone just continued to be my friend and showed they really cared a about me then it would probably happen. But all of them pushed it and I walked away, I'm trying really really hard not to do that with Eli. I know I do sometimes though. I really don't want to though. And then sometimes it's the other extreme and I don't talk to him at all, and that's what will probably happen all this week. Why can't I just be normal?? Or not care at all like before?
On a bright note Halloween is looking to turn our really great!
So we all know how retarded I am now since everything with Ryan. I will think I'm into someone for a little then realize how terrible they are and get over it. Well in my last entry I talked about Eli. I'm really freaking myself out because he isn't like that, and I'm not realizing how terrible he is in fact the more I learn about him the more I like. He's in Logan and I'm here and he's not emotionally available and I can't blame him I was for a year. And I always said when guys wanted to date me that if someone just continued to be my friend and showed they really cared a about me then it would probably happen. But all of them pushed it and I walked away, I'm trying really really hard not to do that with Eli. I know I do sometimes though. I really don't want to though. And then sometimes it's the other extreme and I don't talk to him at all, and that's what will probably happen all this week. Why can't I just be normal?? Or not care at all like before?
On a bright note Halloween is looking to turn our really great!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Follow Through
Once again I have let life get the best of me and neglected my wonderful blog. Worth it? Absolutely! I just hope I can remember all the has happened.
Most importantly, The Costley's have been mind blowingly great, in the beginning of July Amy said she wanted me to to move out. I didn't argue wit her and so that night me Bry and Andrew went and got all my stuff from her house. So I was homeless. The Costley's have let me stay with them since then. I try and keep clean and do as many chores as possible. Just because I want to show some appreciation. They are really great people and they have such kind hearts.
The whole falling out with Amy has been kinda hard for me seeing as for the most part of my life I idolized her and I always felt like I could talk her about everything and now we don't talk at all. It just wasn't the right environment for me and it was starting to bring me down.
We went to bear lake as a ward and I got to hang out with Eli a lot. He had been around all summer long and I just never really paid any attention to him. He was the one who bought all our tickets to Avengers, sat by me as sushi and Brave apparently, and made an effort to see how I was at every social event all summer. I just always ignored him kind of but at bear lake we went tubing and talked and laughed and he kind of became my "flavor of the week". But after we came back from bear lake the crush didn't go away. We ended up talking like all the time and I learn just how funny he is and how much we have in common which is A LOT. A few weeks ago I ended up telling him I had a thing for him and a few days ago he said he liked me too, but that he isn't wanting a relationship. I've been trying to ignore him and stay away from him but we have all the same friends. And I really do enjoy being around him. I'm just really really afraid of being hurt. And last night at Andrew's party he started asking Bryanna about me and how I was before moving here, and asking her if I was ok and all this stuff. I wish he felt comfortable asking me those things but I guess a 3rd person opinion is always nice. I'm just being really careful about how much I open up to him, not that he's asking anyway. But he's asking my friends. He's seriously a really great guy and I feel like I can tlak to him for hours, and I guess I do over text and when he comes down for the weekend.
We are supposed to be going to Jennifer's wedding on the 29th, but his convert is going through the temple in Arizona. Which is way more important than the wedding anyway.
Well's it's really late and I need sleep so I'll write more tomorrow.
Most importantly, The Costley's have been mind blowingly great, in the beginning of July Amy said she wanted me to to move out. I didn't argue wit her and so that night me Bry and Andrew went and got all my stuff from her house. So I was homeless. The Costley's have let me stay with them since then. I try and keep clean and do as many chores as possible. Just because I want to show some appreciation. They are really great people and they have such kind hearts.
The whole falling out with Amy has been kinda hard for me seeing as for the most part of my life I idolized her and I always felt like I could talk her about everything and now we don't talk at all. It just wasn't the right environment for me and it was starting to bring me down.
We went to bear lake as a ward and I got to hang out with Eli a lot. He had been around all summer long and I just never really paid any attention to him. He was the one who bought all our tickets to Avengers, sat by me as sushi and Brave apparently, and made an effort to see how I was at every social event all summer. I just always ignored him kind of but at bear lake we went tubing and talked and laughed and he kind of became my "flavor of the week". But after we came back from bear lake the crush didn't go away. We ended up talking like all the time and I learn just how funny he is and how much we have in common which is A LOT. A few weeks ago I ended up telling him I had a thing for him and a few days ago he said he liked me too, but that he isn't wanting a relationship. I've been trying to ignore him and stay away from him but we have all the same friends. And I really do enjoy being around him. I'm just really really afraid of being hurt. And last night at Andrew's party he started asking Bryanna about me and how I was before moving here, and asking her if I was ok and all this stuff. I wish he felt comfortable asking me those things but I guess a 3rd person opinion is always nice. I'm just being really careful about how much I open up to him, not that he's asking anyway. But he's asking my friends. He's seriously a really great guy and I feel like I can tlak to him for hours, and I guess I do over text and when he comes down for the weekend.
We are supposed to be going to Jennifer's wedding on the 29th, but his convert is going through the temple in Arizona. Which is way more important than the wedding anyway.
Well's it's really late and I need sleep so I'll write more tomorrow.
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