Secrets.

Thoughts I've had over the past few days.

I come off to people as someone so different from who I really am. I'm popular and I have a bunch of friends and don't get me wrong I love them, but I do so much better one on one.

All of my friends would tell you I don't like to be touchy that I like my space. When people try and push those boundaries I coil up and push the person away, but somewhere in myself or in them I see something I might want to try.

Sometimes I push that feeling away and other times I give in to them. Maybe that's what happened the other night with Andrew.  Nothing turned into something. Something that I don't do. Something that I don't let happen.

But


When I do, it's like I become a different person than I normally am. I open up to the person. Not just physically but emotionally like I could tell them anything...everything about myself. And all the sudden

BAM

 they are important. They are my confidant. And that's a bad thing...Right? Because I shouldn't trust someone because they feel nice to be physical with.

sail

Adventures in Farmtown. Since being here in Farmington I've made some pretty awesome friends. We've even named ourselves. The Clique. The Clique consists of

Me
Caitlin
Bryanna
McKell
Robb
Robby
Andrew
John
Saxxon...and Eli but he hasn't really hung out with us. I hope I didn't forget anyone.

Anyway. We hang out all the time, swimming, making cake, watching sherlock, random movies. We do basically everything together. A few nights ago I ended up cuddling with Andrew, it was weird because I haven't done anything like that with anyone since Ryan. I mean it was nice Andrew is an attractive guy and super nice and stuff but i didn't have feeling for him. Actually we all know I kinda have a thing for Robb.

Now I feel like I've messed things up with some of my relationships in "The Clique". Relationships I didn't want to ever mess up. And I don't like Andrew. At least I don't think I do, and I still like Robb at least I think I do. And I definitely don't want to piss anyone off or bun any bridges.  Last night Andrew said our lives should be a t.v show. I feel like it could be.  Robb and Mckell aren't even in the country yet I wonder what'll happen when they get back.

I just don't want to be the bad guy. I want to keep my friends and not mess anything up.

Monster

Meeting Robb has made me think of Andrew a lot. He looks just like him. Same interests, music taste.

I appreciate checkered vans, and spiritual thoughts.
I appreciate big blue eyes and scruff and dress pants that hit the hips just right.

Am I allowed to say these things? Am i allowed to be so candid and open? To say that I totally fell for a missionary? hush hush. Don't be that girl. I don't won't regret it at all because I learned about me. The music I like, the clothes I like, Guns, Blink 182, Thrice, Band T's. Its who I am and I believe it was necessary.

Do you remember me back then? Confident. Care free. Punk.

How could that be bad? I need to get back to that. Even now I am afraid of offending EVERYONE. Afraid of being myself, afraid of being wrong and right. Afraid of being happy and sad.


LETS MAKE THIS LAST FOREVER.

Mr.Roboto

I got a job at an auto shop. I also know nothing about cars, but they guy says he'll train me so it's totally worth it.

On Thursday there is a pool party that I am super stoked for because I miss having water at my disposal like back home.

I also lost my phone and apparently it's no where to be found. This bugs me hardcore. I'm not used to not having a phone.

My dad told me he is worthy to have a temple recommend. It's the happiest thing anyone could probably ever say to me.  I also shared my testimony at church on Sunday, I haven' done that in a few months. I also met my visiting teaching companion and the girl that visit teaches me. They both seem like really nice girls. I can't even explain how much I love my new ward. I just need to try and meet new people, I've kinda closed myself off from people because I hang out with the same people all the time. So maybe that will be my goal for this month? Make new acquaintances? How about at the pool party I just talk to everyone? I think that is a good goal.

Here is my question. Do I want to do behavioral science and study people OR do I want to do music production and possibly open up a record label someday? I cant decide. If anyone has opinions feel free to share.

Almost Everything

It's been almost a year since the last time I wrote. So what happened in the past year?

I dated Ryan, and it was really great. Then we broke up , that sucked. We met Madi, Dianna and Zach got married, Chelsea and Reed got married and then Madi and Jared got married. I worked for a company named RCI and loved it. I got sick and was in the hospital 3 times for MRSA. I got really depressed...more so than anytime in my life. I contemplated suicide. I tried to hide everything from my friends but I would randomly have break-downs and panic attacks. Then i started running into Ryan in a lot of random places. Once his entire family was there. For a long time I was unhealthy in a lot of ways. Nothing seemed to make things better.

One day Dianna drove me to the temple. I cried because I felt like I had lost my testimony, I felt like I had lost everything. NOT because of the break-up but because my character had been compromised and questioned from everyone I had known at times even from my best friends.  Looking at the temple and feeling nothing, praying and feeling nothing was about the darkest place I could ever be.

I decided I needed a change so I bought Bryanna to Provo and we me some new friends Blake and Ben. Meeting them changed things because they were people who were truly good. You could see it. And I wanted to be like them.  I felt like I had to change everything in my life. So I did. I moved up to Farmington and I live with my aunt Amy. I don't talk to anyone who brings me down. I also don't talk to anyone that reminds me of last summer. It sucks having to cut people out but honestly I'm so happy here.

I met some new friends. Saxxon, Robb, Caitlin, McKell, Kara, Matt. My ward here is amazing, they don't really know me. I mean Caitlin does, McKell and Robb kinda do which is fine. I like being able to lay low and have a simple life. We do lots of fun things here. Pool parties, fires, movies. Things I did with my old friends. I spend a lot of time with Bryanna which I love. Moving to "farm town" has been the best decision I've made in a long time and I think the reason why is that I felt the Spirit when praying about moving here. I'm happy here.

Up All Night

There are certain things that I swore I would never deal with.

I was wrong. The past month and a half of my life has been a roller coaster of emotions and heartbreak.

About A Girl

Over the past month I have been on a crazy roller coaster. I think every part of my character has been questioned.

My spirituality as been questioned so I bore my testimony. I talked about my family and the way I want to raise my future family. I explained my love for God, and my relationship with Christ. I talked about my strengths and my weaknesses. I opened up to someone that I care about.

This month I sat in the grass with that same person and I was told I was beautiful, and I believed it. This month I let you hold my hand and kiss me.

I stayed around waiting for you to make up your mind and it hurt a lot. If I seem insecure or traumatized it isn't because of my family it's because I was being told different things every few days. I've learned so much about you and you about me. I'm letting you go, go out and date see what there is out there.